Fade To Grey
by WildCherry45
Summary: AU; Future-fic. Post Season 1. Haley's thoughts on herself and her marriage after 5 years. (Nathan & Haley, Haley's POV) COMPLETE!


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Title: Fade to Grey  
  
Author: WildCherry45 (Janet)  
  
Email: tangledwebawardsyahoo.com  
  
Notes: AU; A few years off into the future post Season 1.  
  
Spoilers: None. Maybe a few references to S1.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. WB & Company own all.  
  
_I've waited here my whole damn life and I've forgotten what I wanted._  
  
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Scott.  
  
It had been her name for the past 5 years. It had been something she was so proud of. It had been something that made her happy. So many times before, all she had to do was think about her status and she would smile. She was no longer just Haley James. She was Haley James Scott. A wife.  
  
Now, that's all she is. A wife.  
  
She wondered when it all began. When she began to fade off into the background, her life blending in with Nathan's. At the beginning, she had always felt like she was slowly conforming to Nathan's life and becoming a part of his crowd and perhaps in a way appeasing him but she liked to think that a part of her still remained true to her original self.  
  
After all, that was the person that Nathan fell in love with. If that person disappeared, who was left?  
  
That was the question she was faced with now. Who was left? Who was she now?  
  
Haley traced her maincured nails over the glass of the table as she pondered. Who was she? She was no longer Haley James. She hadn't been for a long time. The day she said 'I do' to Nathan was the day she stopped being her... legally and officially. Perhaps, it started before then.  
  
She honestly didn't know anymore. All her memories seemed to blend together into one. She couldn't tell what was real and what was simply imagination anymore.  
  
Frowning, she looked at herself in the glass. Clear, shining eyes. Full, pouty lips. A smooth complexion. High cheekbones played up to the right effect with a little blush. Eyelashes that seemed to go on for miles with the top of the line mascara. In short, she was perfect.  
  
A model wife that any husband would be proud of.  
  
That was all that she had become. A wife. A trophy. Nothing more.  
  
She gripped her glass of water tighter as she took a sip, swallowing hard, trying her best to ignore her prodding thoughts. It had never hit her so hard before. There had been times before when she would be hit with a sense of how something was remiss, but they were few and far in between. And, besides, everyone got nostaligic once in awhile, right?  
  
That was what she chalked it up to be. She simply missed her life when she was younger, when things were easier. But, now, she was beginning to see how that wasn't it at all. Her life now... it wasn't even hers anymore. It was Nathan's.  
  
It wasn't his fault.  
  
She hadn't noticed it and he probably didn't either. They had gotten into a rhythm now and her behavior wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He made a decision. She agreed.  
  
It had gotten down to that.  
  
But, that was normal, wasn't it? Couples conformed to each other and grew to fit each other's needs. They did. That was all she was doing.  
  
No matter how much she tried to explain it, she couldn't ease the uncomfortable feeling settling in her stomach. She really was losing herself and it felt like the whole world was spinning. She had lost her footing.  
  
Reality had finally hit.  
  
The glass slipped from Haley's hands and crashed down onto the marble floor. Snapping back to the present, Haley bent down to pick up the broken pieces.  
  
One of them cut her.  
  
The blood oozed from her open wound, staining her porcelain finger with crimson. She simply stared at it for a few moments before she slowly moved towards the bathroom. The white of the walls surrounded her as she entered the bathroom, her uninjured hand turning on the water as she ran her finger under the chilling liquid.  
  
The mirror was in front of her and her own reflection stared back at her. She saw herself.  
  
And, she was fading.  
  
Grabbing a towel from the counter, she wrapped the cotton material around her finger, squeezing tight as she searched the cabinet for a band aid. Finding one, she put it on hastily, throwing the towel into the laundry basket.  
  
She missed. It hit the edge of the basket, falling to the floor, the red clearly noticeable among the white of the towel, the floor, and the room itself. Haley found herself staring at it, only the stinging pain radiating from her finger keeping her from slipping back into her thoughts.  
  
She hurriedly picked it up from the floor, throwing it into the basket, the red stain still facing upwards. She stared at it for a few more moments before she shut the top harshly, walking out of the bathroom.  
  
She still bled.  
  
She supposed that was a good thing. She still bled. She was still human, still breathing, still real.  
  
The images of her past began to seperate, one by one... the memories regained clarity and slowly, they came back to her. High school, tutoring, Karen's Cafe, Lucas. Her life before this. Before marrying. Before Nathan.  
  
She was happy. And simple. And pure. Uncomplicated.  
  
She looked at the interior of her half-million dollar house and wondered, what exactly was she now?  
  
Continuing to look around her home, she found that she was at a loss. There was no answer.  
  
Her eyes settled on a picture, positioned at the center of the table. It was still, unwavering as Haley made her way over to it on shaky legs. She picked it up, her fingers running over the feel of the frame, her eyes fixed on the photo. They were supposed to be special moments frozen in time. Pictures.  
  
This was one was of her and Nathan, last year. He had just signed a new contract with a team and it was the celebratory dinner. His hand was firmly placed on her hip and she was leaning into him. On both their faces was a smile. Wide, giving both their appearances a certain glow.  
  
She remembered how surreal it all seemed then. And, how happy she thought she was.  
  
Now, it just seemed so fake.  
  
Nathan was happy. He was proud. He reached his goals and fufilled his dreams.  
  
She didn't even remember her dreams anymore.  
  
Haley put the picture back onto the table and walked away, not even caring if it was in the right position. She kicked off her heels, scoffing at herself. She was at home for goodness sakes, why the hell was she wearing high heels? She stumbled across the marble of the living room, running toward the balcony overlooking the ocean. Her injured hand fell onto the doorknob of the french doors.  
  
The pain shot up her hand but she didn't even notice. Her eyes were focused on the view, hoping that it would bring calmness to her thoughts. She couldn't handle this. The break down. The downfall.  
  
This wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
Sniffling, she tried her best to hold back the tears. Her hands gripped the railing and she closed her eyes, letting the sound of the waves crashing into the sand fill her mind.  
  
It didn't help.  
  
She wasn't entirely sure anything could at this point. What was she supposed to do? What could she possibly do? She didn't know. She didn't want to know.  
  
She wanted to go back when everything was simpler. Where she was just the wife, who smiled, congratulated her husband and hosted parties. She wanted to go back to when she was content with just that.  
  
The question was, was she ever? Had she been lying to herself for the past 5 years? Had she truly been as happy as she played it up to be? Or, was it all a lie?  
  
The confusion and questions hit her harder then ever and Haley felt the fabrications of fantasy begin to crumble around her.  
  
There was nothing she could do to stop it. They were coming down, one by one.  
  
Footsteps.  
  
Nathan was home.  
  
She used to get tingles in her stomach when she thought of him. Now, there was only confusion.  
  
But, he made her happy. Didn't he?  
  
Haley mentally berated herself. She had been happily married for 5 years, how dare she question that. But, she had a right to. She needed to.  
  
She didn't want to though.  
  
Haley felt Nathan come up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She leaned into him and he began to whisper something into her ear. It was the picture perfect ideal of a romantic marriage.  
  
A loving, young couple out on the balcony, wrapped in each other's arms as they watched the sun set.  
  
He kissed her neck slowly and she tensed, feeling the confusion rise up within her again, this time followed with tears. She surpressed it, thankful that he didn't notice.  
  
The moment was broken.  
  
His phone rang inside his pant pocket and he cursed, going to answer it as Haley simply stood there, watching as the sun set. She was alone now. She could feel it.  
  
The coldness began to enter the air and Haley closed her eyes, wishing the truth away.  
  
But, it remained there, hanging above her.  
  
She turned to walk into the house but stopped herself. What was she going to do next? Would she say something? Would she try to fix things? Or, would she just ignore it?  
  
It was comfortable, she had to admit, the life she had. It was easy. It was what she thought she had wanted.  
  
Nathan leaned against the doorframe, a charming smile on his face as he apologized. He reached his hand out, meaning for her to take it but she paused.  
  
He frowned slightly when she didn't.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Haley bit her lower lip. Now was her chance. Her thoughts continued to swirl around her head until she forced them away. One remaining still within her.  
  
She wasn't ready yet.  
  
Placing a large smile on her face, she nodded and put her hand in his, gripping firmly.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
-- 


End file.
